


Constantly alive and constantly living

by aucellaq



Series: Moments Inside and Between [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), episode 45
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 02:56:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aucellaq/pseuds/aucellaq
Summary: Caleb realizes he cares about the Nein and it terrifies him.~A small drabble diving back into Caleb´s brain, especially focused on one thing he said in The Stowaway to convince himself and Nott to follow the rest into the dragon´s lair. It stays as close to canon as can, mainly focused on what goes on in this poor man´s head.





	Constantly alive and constantly living

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i did that thing again! 
> 
> another small filling in the blanks that i like making for warmup, meaning it's not throughoutly edited.

Fjord. Beau. Jester. Clay.

  _Crash, fjoosh_

 Gone.

 Caleb felt his breath like a strangling vine, crashing his windpipes and making him so dizzy he might vomit. Each of his friends were gone in a flash of light, leaving him and Nott alone in a cursed dungeon full of untouchable wonders. The thrill that had melted him in sight of the full shelves with colorful hardbacks had frozen solid on his skin, not even allowing goosebumps to shake him awake.

 He walks to a new shelf, looking for unlocked books but only tugging. Peals of sweat formed on his forehead as Nott bumped in front of him to let her smart hands do their magic. Tinkering noises and a half second of panic later there was a book in his hands. He didn’t spare it a glance before pushing it in his pack.

 “W-we could just stay,” stuttered Nott. “I’m sure they can manage without us. T-they’re strong and capable and – and –“

 “One more.”

 Caleb heard his own voice but didn’t feel it. His skin was itching with need and his head a whirlwind of panic. The flashing object was within his vision and each time he flinched thinking of all of them. Gone. Far gone.

  _Click, clash_

 “It – it didn’t work Caleb we should –“

 “Next one.”

 Nott swallowed hard and went shakenly to work again, her deep green fingers expertly grasping the curious locks and forcing it up. He shoved it into his bag. It felt like a death sentence.

 “Okay – okay we’re going to follow them. We’re either going to die … or get out of here.” His voice was monotone and weak. He didn’t want to. “I hope we get out of here.”

 Nott, the only constant by his side, the only thing he could cling to since the chains and the fire, the only one who never lied. She stood right with him, took his coat and clung tightly.

 “But all these books, you’re sure you got all the spellbooks? We need the spellbooks –“

 “I need _them_.”

 It stuck in his throat. The implications were clear. Nott cared about his life and she feared the unknown, but she would never compare it to what she felt for the Nein. They were family for her, and for a second Caleb though of using that against her, but didn’t, _couldn’t._

 They’d lost one already. One so unbelievably constant and large it should be impossible for them to be gone, but gone they were. It hurt too much to realize how long it’d been and how much they’d been through since their passing.

 Caleb realized that he meant it.

 While Nott kept rustling around for useless leather with useless papers and useless ink, he made way toward the same thing that had stolen his friends.

 The books were bleak and the waters were trashing and when Caleb felt his heartbeat he only knew he was alive because the others were not here. With the Nein he didn’t have to check, not anymore, because they were constant. A hand on his shoulder when he took the sight of a cat, an owl, an octopus. A tight grip before he became rash. An awkward hug because affection was still a burning sore on his body.

 Nott´s noises as she ruffled the bottom shelves for loose books and trinkets that would distract her fears, Caleb felt a surge he’d so often abused with rage and yelled after her.

 “Nott let’s go!”

 He started shaking, rubbing his eyes and tensing up as he raised his hand but couldn’t touch. She still wasn’t coming.

 “Nott this is torture for me let’s go!”

_Click, crash_

 “I’m going! I’m going!”

 She crawled up and stood beside him again, sweat visible on her forehead and her breath fuming for life.

 And nothing. None of them moved.

 “Are you pressing it?” Nott asked, hunching down.

 “Vill you?”

 “I – I can’t reach.”

 A lie, but an understandable one. Neither of them knew what waited on the other side. Caleb took her hand, conjoined their fingers and pressed together.


End file.
